That feeling sometimes called love

 

 

Waste of time, sheer waste of time, that love I poured out!
And she asked, oh, it was yours to pour out eh?
Did you make it and bottle it that you pour it at will?
And as she reached and set the star above in line with the moon,
she whispered

Love blossomed with i beheld you
It was no seed i plafor poemnted and nurtured or brew that i distilled with care
But it did posses me, and it became me, nay not a being like
The makeup i could cake/put on.
It felt it in my eyes, it poured out with
The tears that welled and spilled
It was in the spit that in anger i sprayed
But mostly it had
The warm feeling that surged in my greatest despair, to dispel.

In was in the great darkness I asked about love,
And like a spark I found it within.

She moved the gray cloud away from the light of the moon
And singsonged
Love reared it’s head sometimes when i tried to buy myself some of it
And when at it, a pinch of happiness, and both evaded
I tired to nurture it in me with thoughts and bold moves
It didn’t awaken in me nor could I touch it on the outside

And then she looked down from the moon still reflecting in her eyes
And chimed
Its grace my love, it dwells in us. And when love does dwell
Prayers are the heart’s throb, smiles sparkle in the eyes
The body knows not it’s pain,
And even the ugly world shines forth
And she reached down and kissed deep on my lips
And bewildered i beheld that which i can’t posses or lockup for later.

d – 4 July 2017

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a slightly long sigh

The dull throb of listlessness
Waiting on the hurt of the next burning hot drop
To thump into the numb scalp
And then the open eyes see
the epicenter of the deep darkness
of the pitch dark gloom
The promises of light still beckon
‘but it is beyond this threshold’, she whispered.

My knees hurt from the running away

The pain is intense ever so often
From psychedelic full HD nightmares
As real as Maya and her sad laugh

Oh yes, those pinstripes of enabling light
In the darkness of the thick old blanket

The light comes in from the frayed edges
Of patches stitched over old tears of
Half fought battles
Of tough times and stumbling steps

Light that forced itself on my bleakness
That hope, wakes me up in cold sweat

There is solace still at the Rock
My parents set me up on in my far off youth
None at all at the sanctuary where the selfish greedy priest sits
He turned the water that make you thirst never more
Into an abyss of toxic waste
‘You all are to blame, you tragic losers’, his taunts echo.

My sighing and heaving bends the old rod I lean on
Still sturdy though, form the soaking of tears of my mother
The sweat that dropped on it from my father’s brow
when he smiled his bitter sweet
the strains of old hymns
the intermittent outpouring of love
the reluctant obedience of a daughter
the resplendent sunrise and sunset I sometimes see over the city smog
the selfless giving of friends…

I stopped at these water stations via dolorosa
Seeking my salvation

She got me wrong. And drowned my song

The days filled with Indian summer colors
bright and blinding, and yet inviting
her moves were graceful even as she pulled her feet up,
on to the sofa.

And in a sudden mood shift, like a leopard
that sensed danger coming in from afar
she stared out of her big eyes and her face went Kali
and her tongue thirsted for the blood of my inner Asura
and turning,  she walked away  – gait purposeful
ugly and damning…

I sat at the doorway and sang my lil ditty,
she got me wrong, and drowned my slow song.

The days are ashen winter shade
glum and gloom and the chill uninviting
Her face turned away from my luck turning-south and my cold
cold feet

the mood remains cold and dark
and no cat moves or glacier shift in sight.
Her stare blank even in that rare glimpse you catch
no talks of the taste of coffee just the darkness of scorn
tears did well, and faltering steps losing purpose
ugly and sorrowing…

I sat at the parking lot and sang my lil ditty
she got me wrong, and drowned that swelling song..

Yesterday, over my shoulder

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Oh! it’s been years now
but like the shadows from yesterday overlooks
the shoulder, in the mirror
I see you sitting, smiling at I walked in

you looked troubled then
but soon we laughed to the rhythm of
the city’s cacophonous traffic sounds.
Oblivious, the earth had for us
brought forth new flowers

the weight and stench of
yesterday’s
dismal lilies lay at our feet
Coffee’s aroma filled, then enveloped
us in it’s cloud

and that seemingly ordinary lifted and buoyed us
No land no water no language nor song’s lilt
even slightly alien.
we belonged! and the world inviting
where a while ago we were
unwanted!

Am i losin’ you?

Am i losin’ you?

My baby’s gone, she drifted out again.
she brings light and glow to ashen cheeks when around
and ominous dark clouds hang on uninvited
she goes away.
———–
Do you lie to me love?  And still2014-06-27 10.02.37 love me?
Or don’t you love, thus you lie to me?
Am I just a freetime plug?
Is my trouble my ego – that thing inside of me that aches
and raptures with blinding pain,
when I find your ‘with me’, elsewhere.

Is what I am going through plight or a freeing moment ?
will I love you inspite of you not?
Are you leaning on me or you just pressing on my shoulder
to see further?
Am I just the shelter from the drizzles that trouble you
that you call storms?

I cry, I moan, I curl up to find darkness’ perfect pitch to hide,
but darkness dispels and room lights up from the flare of your smile
I whimper, I groan, I flare up in anger-unexplained at a hat’s drop.
Soothed I lie in the comfort and warmth of her arms.

Oh! I am driven insane, by the thought of callousness
she said, she would call, but she had visitors that take her every minute away?
Oh she never said, she would be mine, I only dreamed of such bliss
she came in torrents of rains’ coolness and washed away the grime of
yesterday’s sorrow and worries of tomorrows.

As uncertain as my tomorrow was my yesterday
today slips between the covers of these two
worrying has turned me sour,
was your sweetness that made me leap in the air
built on an illusion of lies.

Oh damn! That takes away even the beautiful yesterdays,
them cushions that ease away troubled tomorrows.

a sunny song on a road forlorn

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The moon has stayed on
– playing it’s loony tunes.
The date on the newspaper had changed
the news remained in columns unchanged
the coffee lukewarm and flat
crows on the cycle track fed on a fat rat

Smile that askanced her lips
streamed radiant beams
driving yesterday’s restless sleep and thoughts mundane
strains of heavenly rhythm for heart’s hopscotch
momentarily went boom boody-boom boody
as a shadow of a sling bag waved

Such the pleasure of the pain of longing
as Facebook updates were status quo
and the Skype button twinkled a white light
burying head in thick gooey text
he waited for colors to change
for the lights to change
for relief from the furtherest reaches
for even few drops into that cup running on empty

Roads ahead were dark
thoughts turned to dreary
but the morning light dispelled gloom
her soft hands dragging huge filthy monsters
into coffee cups with amazing ease
temple flowers laughed merrily from the garlands sweet
though it’s future like the Irish airman’s lament
it’s very life soon to wither at the deity’s feet

Of laughter lost … … and smiles regained

Of laughter lost …

The evening was dark
He walked purposefully to his endless nowhere.
The road – dreary and glum
The destination after the self-flagellation
Will be bright. – that promise dying
Every minute, the second it was born .

He saw the mind’s eye taking her away
He moved into oblivion, to picked up in leisure
He moaned his insignificance.
He wrapped himself in self-pity
That thick blanket from the cold.

The weight of the blanket
caused his shoulders to droop.
The warmth of the blanket not reaching his body
His bones rattled on
His shadow tiny and grotesque
In the light of the street lamp

The chants from this lips
Promised him heavens in the afterlife
And in his loud rending voice from
Buoyed with the ripping of his soul
He sent up a prayer, for her

… and smiles regained

(II)

Her smile awaken him
He turned so she wouldn’t see him smile
Pleased she had missed it.
But at her very glimpse
All his darkness had seeped into the drain
As water finding it’s level
From great depths – swoosh!

But he fanned the fumes for her to see?
He found her the hardest to move further from
He moaned his inability
He leaned on her like a limbless on his crutch.
Oh right, he turned his mustachio up to show
He was brave, his machoness was not just stupid.
All vain and still very stupid!

He melted in the touch of her hands.
Cameras from highrises looked into the depths
Of their restless hearts.
His burning hell lying deep inside
Froze over into warm cinder
All the cobble stones blossoming into delicate flowers
To hold their feet.

The handsome dog danced her delight from
Across the roads
The less-loved famished creature
Allowing him undiluted warmth
He saw in her eyes the glades of their memories
His caressing hands on her warm fur had
Borne him many cold morning before.
Today she was happy to watch him go by
The wagging tail soon a full bodied
Gyration of delight.

He let the fumes of the days before
Stay on and stain his beloved
His voice bitter, wrapped in tears and pain
Of his mind’s many, many dark corners.

He held her hands and felt life flow into him
He glowed in her giving.
Burning streaks of his torment fast fading
He clung on longer
His damned yesterdays dust wind, and tomorrows blind
He breathed his today.

He saw the weight she bore much after she
Smiled her bye and turned the corner.
He however light and unburdened
And wearing his stupid smile.

Drank full as greedily as the
Desert sands the first rains.
Even if tomorrow comes
And yesterdays die
Today her smile was nectar divine.